you've got a dark heart and an even colder kiss...

 I'm not gonna be using this journal anymore. I'll keep this one up for memories. I'll still check journal entries.  Those who need to know will know.  (you know the drill. and if you don't- read the memo)

so I am sitting in my dorm room, looking at a microsoft word document of a personal project I am working on, and I have only one page of it done, and I am just sitting there stairing at the screen, hoping that the words will just magically write themselves and I can take credit for it later.  I keep looking at it and goading myself to write, c'mon brain! write! you can do it! but nothing comes and after stairing at it for a half hour or so I finally give up and then I die a little inside.  Why does this always happen when I try to write a story?  Even if its on a topic i know well.  Something always stops me. I hate writers block! AAAAARRRRG, I try to write, I want to write, but as soon as I sit down to write anything remotly resembling a story, my brain kind of goes into a coma. >.<. evill.

1.  write and publish a novel.  Preferably a fiction novel
2. become a published artist
3. draw a comic book
4.  travel to: austrailia, japan, new zealand, hawaii, and italy sometime in my lifetime
5. swim with dolphins
6.  learn to accept myself, respect myself, and love myself
7.  have a steady job
8. own a house/ place of my own
9. get a dog.
10. write and preform my own music
11. find a boy who loves me and get married
12. become closer to my friends and find a group of people who really care about each other and are to quote a friend "forever friends"
13. To get over my stage fright
14. to be able to pay all my own bills
15.  to be a sucessful artist
16.  to let go of the people and things that are hurting me and move on
17. to have as much fun as I possibly can
18.  to be happy
19. to be completely free of depression for more then a few months
20. to help people help themselves
21. to make a difference
22. to loose weight and get down to 105 pounds and stay there.
23.to be a healthier person overall
24. To really like the way I look and get over my body image issues
25.  play paintball.  Its not really something i need to do or anything, I just think it would be really fun
26.  play tackle football (again, see above)

I kind of have a crush on hyde from that 70's show (shut up don't tell me you've never had a crush on a fictional person before)  if I had a type (which I don't, really)  It'd be someone like him.  not his looks necessarily, but his personality.  He acts like he's such a bad ass on the outside, but it's really just to cover up for his crappy childhood.  In reality he's really sweet, sensitive and romantic.  I'd fall head over heels for someone like that in real life, probably because I can relate. (except for the fact that I'm really not a bad ass at all)  but you get the point.  When in reality bad guys are actually bad.  There's really almost 0 chance of me finding someone like that.  I sort of met someone like that in my acting class last semester, but he already had a girlfriend. (le sigh)  I could have totally fallen for him too.  and he definatly sent me mixed messages.  the dude kept stairing at me all the time pretty blatantly. but whatever.

01) Full name? kay something something
02) Best friend? anne-marie
03) Sexuality? she's bisexual.  She believes love is not bound by gender
04) Favorite color? brown,orange and black
05) Relationship status? single... for now
06) Ideal mate? someone who will let her be herself and try not to change her.  Someone willing to fight for her and see eye to eye with her.
someone who will see past her tough facade and accept her for her true self
07) Turn-ons? leather, the smell of tobacco. strong and confident people
08) Last sexual experience? Not sure.  I might make her a virgin, but I don't want her to be seen as naive so I may say she's had a couple one night stands but thats it
09) Favorite food? Italian, pizza, more specifically
10) Crushes? none,  she preferes being free. 
11) Favorite music?  Punk and Heavy Metal
12) Biggest fear? breaking down, loosing face, and showing her true self
13) Biggest fantasy? not sure yet
14) Quirks in bed? none  ( I may change this later if I can think of any)
15) Bad habits?  Smoking and cutting class
16) Biggest regret? not sure yet
17) Best kept secrets? not sure yet.  she will have them though
18) Last thought? I need a smoke
19) Worst sexual/romantic experience? not sure yet
20) Biggest insecurity?  lack of confidence, fear of failing/ not being successful
21) zodiac sign? not sure yet. I can't find one that fits.
22) eye color? bright blue
23) hair? brown. and very wavy
24) Length? long
25) piercings? 3.  2 on ears, stud on the nose
26)favoriet drink? marguritas
27)age?  she's gonna be either in high school or beginning college
28) books? perks of being a wallflower, the catcher in the rye
29)flower? sunflower
30)birthday? sometime in  october
31) biggest dream? to be a writer

I have this strong urge to swap-spit with someone. anyone, I don't really have anybody in mind

1. I'm super exited because I'm going to draw a comic for a magazine on campus. not only will I be getting published finally but i will also be fullfilling one on my life dreams, yay!
2. I got my songwriting teacher to give me voice lessons! yay! for really cheap too, so thats a plus.  I'm so exited to be singing again, you have no idea.
3. this weekend I am going to barns and noble.  I ran out of books to read and I am going insane. So I'm psyched for that.
4. I'm doing horribly in my physics of light and sound class.  I suck at math so much.  I'm really worried about passing, but the teacher is tutoring me after class, so I hope that will help. >.<
5. I now really want to have a sailor moon marathon with Connie.
6. still extreamly homesick. it's worse then it was at FIT.  But I feel a little better now that I'm busier.

I get so jealous sometimes. and it's not that I don't want my friends to be happy or have other friends and talents, I do,  it's just that I also want to be a part of it. I don't want to get left behind.  It has happened before with my friends and it scares me.   I feel so selfish.  Every time i see one of my friends having fun without me I get so down and I shouldn't. It's wrong, I should be happy for my friends but I'm not.  I don't want them to have fun without me.  I feel like a horrible person when I think this but it's how I feel. :-(.

I hated that group. it felt like I wasn't supposed to be there and I wanted to cry the whole time.  I felt so different, so other, from the rest of the world. In the absolute worst way.  I wanted to pick whatever part that makes me this way out of my brain and get back to the rest of my life.  I wanted to run away. I'm not like them! I'm not! but the horrible thing is that I am, and I will never be normal, never be like everybody else.  Not even as an illusion.

I seriously miss the fruits basket forums.  the people on it were so nice and interesting to talk to.  I was like addicted to being on it.  I also kind of miss anime in general.  I haven't watched anime in a long time.... exept for fruits basket.  it will always be my favoriet.  I wish I had thought of it lol.

Also, I need to loose some serious weight. I just looked at myself in the mirror and I feel really fat.  It's so disapointing to loose all that weight and then put it on again the minute you go away to school. >.<

lol. I enjoy zombie discussions.  There should be more of them. MORE! BRAAAAIINNNSS.

see how easily I am entertained?

I'm really unhappy right now. I feel like crying and i just want to go home.

just 22 days until spring break. Yes, I am counting

roar. so, school is boring.  I thought it would be different now that I'm in a 4 year college but I think I had too high expectations. I dunno. I wonder if it's like this for everybody. anyway, yeah.  Tried speed dating. was odd. met a few nice guys but I didn't feel any chemistry.  I want to find a  boyfriend again but this time around I am being much more picky about who I go with.  Yay standards.  I have thought about shaving my head a number of times but I'm too much of a pussy to do it. I've been painting and it's going really well lately. I have a cold and it is full of evil. Dealing with my shit. I'm still in a lot of pain emotionally.  Possibly at this point only time can heal it. I've tried everything else I can think of, and nobody  seems to be listening. The worst part about this whole mess is that I thought I was stronger then this.  I'm still crying over people that want nothing to do with me.  I don't know why I'm abusing myself. I should just let it go, but for some reason I'm not able to. and I know that getting upset about it just makes people want to stay away from me even more.  There's really nothing I can do. It's such a vicious cycle.  But then I am kind of the queen of vicious cycles. ( haha just kidding)

I think that I don't have enough fun in my life.  I want to be wild and crazy and beautiful and free. 
I need to find ways to go about doing this.

Also, I have a major cold. it sucks .... majorly.

also also, I will always love the superchicks.  They are probably my favoriet group ever. They give me so much hope. and pump me up.
and make me think of a boy I used to know. in a way, he changed me. I'll never forget him for that.

i just want to sing so bad. i'm pumped up

i'm not a good person.  I'm just as selfish and manipulative as everyone else

I am unhappy with my life and I am running out of ideas as to how to fix that.

I have such issues with my own body image.  I want to be skinny so badly.  Not anorexic skinny (thats gross), but like, normal, healthy skinny.  I think half the reason I think that girls are hot is cause they're so skinny. (yeah I know shallow, right?) and I get all jealous and wish i was as thin as them. I mean girls are pretty even when they're not skinny, but the skinny ones make me extra envious.  I think if I was skinny I'd probably be turned on by myself all of the time.  *le sigh*  But even when I lost 40 pounds I still wasn't skinny, and I probably wont be skinny again no matter how hard I try. :-(. Haha, narcisistic and self-depricating, all in one fell swoop.

I know part of the battle is having a positive outlook on things and believing good things will happen to you.  If I believe nothing good will happen then it's more likley that nothing good will.  I know it,  and I don't want to fall into that trap again, but it's hard sometimes

Purchase is different from any other school I've been into. I dunno if I like it yet.  I like all the people so far. I like that there's so much intellectual conversation, that I can over hear discussions about things like famous painters such as Jackson Pollock, is a welcome change of pace.  I just feel very uncomfortable in this new enviornment. I don't know why.  It makes me wonder if I would like it better if I were commuting at home and I think maybe I would. but I dunno.

I dropped out of chorus because i cannot sight read and I don't think I could learn it on my own and the teacher has no time to teach me. I didn't want to hold the class back, so I dropped out. I'm sad that I couldn't stay in the class because I really love singing, but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.  Half the songs were in other languages.

other then that though, I have been busy with classes and homework, and meeting people. i guess life has finally caught up with me.  I met this guy harry who is gonna teach me how to play the harmonica! so I'm psyched cause I got one for christmass, and I want to learn how to play it. I still feel like i'm not adjusted yet. I'm getting involved with the school radio station and joining clubs and whatnot here.  The cool thing about this place is that it seems like I as a student really can make a difference here, and thats important to me.  I want to spread my wings and see how far I can streatch them, at least in that instance, I think this would be the place to do it.

one thing i'm really worried about is that  I am falling back in a state of depression. I just feel bad a lot of the time for no reason at all, and this didn't start until I left home.  I don't know what to do about it, but I feel really crappy about myself lately. I just got out and then something new happens and I get pulled right back in. it's so frustraiting. I've been hating on myself. especially on my body.  I feel enormous all the time and I know I'm not eating healthy. I just feel really insecure. I dunno. I'm really just venting at this point. Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain....